Marketing DEATH: Because We’re All Headed There Anyway

There’s only one brand you’ll never unsubscribe from—DEATH. No opt-out. No free trial. No customer support line. Just a guaranteed full-body experience.

And somehow, it doesn’t even need a campaign manager. No influencer shoutouts. No SEO strategy.Still, death has perfect reach and flawless engagement.

Meanwhile, you're here A/B testing newsletter subject lines wondering why no one opens your email.

So... Why Are There So Many Living People in the Cemetery?

Because we keep showing up to death’s party like we’re on the list.We dress nice, chase goals, hit the gym, and post motivational quotes—as if that’ll convince death to reschedule.Spoiler: it won’t.

But you know who gets it? Final Destination: Bloodlines.That movie knows death is not a shadowy figure in a cloak—it’s an art director with a twisted imagination and perfect timing.A microwave here, a plank of wood there... and boom. Scene over.

And what do we do?We laugh.Because deep down we know: we’re not escaping it—we’re just auditioning.

🎯 If DEATH Were a Brand…

Let’s break the taboo and do what no pitch deck dares: position death like a lifestyle brand. Here’s how big names would sell the inevitable:

1. Tesla Afterlife™ – Drive Into the Light

"Autopilot can’t dodge fate. But you’ll die sustainably."

2. Meta – Deathaverse

“Even your avatar gets deleted eventually.”

3. McDonald’s – I'm Lovin’ It (For Now)

“The happy meal that makes death just a little bit happier.”

4. Spotify: Death's Playlist

“Because every soul deserves a final soundtrack.”

5. Amazon Prime Eternity

“Next-day delivery straight to the afterlife.”

🤡 Why Do We Laugh at Death?

Because pretending it’s a joke is the only way we stay sane.We don’t fear it—we meme it.We dress it up in films, give it accents, motives, and backstories.We turn it into art so we don’t have to admit: it’s the only part of life that doesn’t need a strategy.

Final Destination: Bloodlines leans into that.Yes, sometimes it wanders into “drama we’ve seen before,” but then it reminds us—death is creative, and you better keep up.That finale? A poetic mic drop.Death exits stage left, smirking.

💡 Final Thought (Before Yours)

You can sell a dream, a product, a lifestyle.But death?It sells itself. No pitch needed.

So next time you're crafting a campaign, ask yourself:Are you trying to live forever—or be remembered forever?

Big difference.Death knows it. Do you?

Now accepting applications for Chief Afterlife Marketing Officer. Just kidding—death does its own PR.