Crush or Limerence: Navigating the Thin Line Between Infatuation and an Obsessive Longing for Romance

For many, crushes are fleeting, but some experience prolonged and addictive longing known as limerence. Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979, limerence involves intense emotional roller coasters, fueled by hope and doubt, directed at a perceived perfect but often unavailable person, known as the limerent object (LO). Limerents fear rejection, resting their self-esteem in the hands of an often unaware LO.

Limerence is timeless, but the term is relatively new. Tennov's research highlighted its distinction from mere crushes or love, emphasizing its intensity and mind games. Limerents may replay memories and fantasize about future interactions, nourishing the experience. Online support groups have emerged, providing solace to those grappling with limerence during times of isolation, like the pandemic.

Psychiatrist Judson Brewer likens limerence to an addiction, driven by anticipation and fueled by dopamine. Loneliness or boredom can trigger limerence, and the intermittent reinforcement from the LO sustains the cycle. Online dating and hookup culture, characterized by low accountability and insecure attachment, contribute to the prevalence of limerence.

While most people experience some degree of limerence, it becomes problematic when uncontrollable. Stories abound of individuals losing marriages and jobs due to the overpowering presence of a limerent object. The key to overcoming intense longing involves cultivating self-compassion, purposeful living, disrupting the fantasy, and naming it to tame it.

Whether through Loving Kindness Meditation, engaging in grounding activities, or disrupting obsessive behaviors, individuals can manage limerence. Psychotherapist Brandy Wyant suggests cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, such as listing ways to seek closeness and de-idolizing the LO. Interrupting the habit and recognizing the associated negative feelings can lead to disenchantment.

In conclusion, limerence, while a common experience, can become detrimental when uncontrolled. By adopting various strategies, individuals can navigate and overcome the challenges associated with intense and prolonged longing.